Veteran and First Responder Families

October 9th, 2023

By P. Casey Arrillaga, LCSW, LCDC

It
is well established that military and first responders (police, firefighters,
EMS) are often dramatically impacted by their work. What gets less attention is
how much of this impact is passed on to their families. This post will explore
what is known about how the families are affected and what can be done to help.

What
We Know So Far

Military
and first responders [FR] regularly deal with stresses that most other people
never have to face, including doing inherently dangerous work, seeing injury
and death on a regular basis, and knowing these things could happen to them at
any moment. Many are put in positions where they have to injure or kill others
in the line of duty, things that go against their humanity and often their
values, leading to a type of trauma known as moral injury. This is
compounded by military and FR culture that often values stoicism over
expression, let alone exploration and healing, of the types of emotions that
such things naturally bring, such as sadness, horror, fear, and sometimes
regret, guilt, and shame. As a result, military and FR personnel are very prone
to mental health conditions including anxiety, depression, PTSD, and addiction,
yet are discouraged from seeking help by the culture of their fields. These
issues can thus persist long after retirement, and all too often go untreated.

Unfortunately,
it is most often those closest military and RF personnel who are left to deal
with the effects of all this. Research shows that spouses and children of
military and RF personnel are prone to mental health challenges themselves as a
result of being close to the stressful lifestyle. They are also prone to
anxiety, depression, and PTSD. Spouses of FR often report high levels of stress
due to the long hours their loved one is away, feeling like they are parenting
alone, and constant fear that their loved one will get hurt.

Military
families have all of the same issues plus the additional stress that comes with
deployments, in which the military family member is typically gone for months
at a time in environments that may be deadly, and unpredictable moves to
anywhere in the country of the world that the military has a base. Research
shows that children of service members typically need more mental health
support directly after a move to a new area, and military families often are
faced with many moves over the course of a career.

Military
and FR families all are subject to vicarious or secondary trauma, which can
spread like waves out from the family member who is under the stress and trauma
that comes with those professions. This can come from hearing about the
difficulties of the lifestyle, living with someone who has been physically or
mentally injured, and due to the mood and personality changes that can
accompany stresses endured in military or FR work. Unfortunately, military and
FR personnel are at higher risk of mood swings, fits of rage, and domestic
violence. They may also be more likely to abuse alcohol and sometimes other
drugs, leading to all of the problems that come with these things.

Some
families get a double dose of all of these issues when both parents are
military or FR. Additionally, a fair number of people go into FR work after
transitioning out of the military. Needless to say, either of these situations
leads to greater stress and strain on the family system. This can lead to any
number of mental health issues, including addiction to alcohol and other drugs.

What
to Do if You or Someone You Know is Family to military and/or FR

If
you or someone you know is family to military, veteran, or FR, it is important
to get support for yourself and others in the family. The military, VA, and
some FR departments offer some counseling and support. That being said, spouses
of FR, military, and veterans say that there are not enough resources
available, especially for children involved. This is not a slight on what the
government offers, but more likely reflects that the problem is much bigger
than any one organization can solve.

Instead,
it is important for family members to find help and support from professionals
who understand military and FR culture and the life that comes with it. It is
also vital to move past the old “code of silence” and speak up honestly about
any issues that are coming up for the family, including the military, veteran,
and FR personnel themselves. Encourage loved ones to seek support, and set a
positive example by doing so yourself.

It
can also be very helpful to talk to other family members who know what this is
like. If problems like addiction and other mental health issues are coming up,
there are professional organizations and less-formal support groups for family
members, such as SMART Recovery Family & Friends, or Al-Anon that offer
support to anyone who is family to a person with addiction.

When
treatment is needed, be sure to find it for yourself or a loved one in a place
that understands military, veteran, and FR life. For instance, at Windmill, our
Guadian Initiative program offers specialized groups and counseling for FR and
military, both active and veteran. It is led by former FR and veteran staff, so
our clients from these backgrounds know they are talking with someone who has
both the personal experience and professional training to understand and help.

The
Bottom Line

Military,
veteran, and FR and their families face a unique set of stresses that affect
everyone in the family. Therefore, they need extra support and help despite an
internal culture that often says otherwise. It’s time to move past the “code of
silence” and get these families the help they need from people who understand.

About The Author

P. Casey Arrillaga is the Team Leader for Education at
Windmill Wellness Ranch, and he is the author of books including “Realistic
Hope: The Family Survival Guide for Facing Alcoholism and Other Addictions”.
His books, podcast, videos, etc. can be found at CaseyAuthor.com