Step 9: Making Amends

June 5th, 2023

By P. Casey Arrillaga, LCSW, LCDC

Making amends is an important part of many people’s recovery
from addiction yet is a particularly difficult step in the process for many. That’s
why we’re diving into this topic, so that both those who are seeking recovery
from addiction and those who love them can get a better look at what “making
amends” really means, what is involved, and what makes it such a big deal.

What Does it Mean to Make Amends and How is it Done?

While there are variations in the definition of making
amends, the common thread throughout them is that to make amends is to try to
make right something you have made wrong. In many cases, this will require
going far beyond giving an apology, although that may be important. The first
part of an amends is to acknowledge the wrong that has been done. This may
sound obvious, but it can be human nature to deflect and rationalize rather
than claim responsibility, and this is true nowhere more than for someone in
the grip of addition. Those who are driven by compulsive behavior tend to
rationalize their behavior to themselves and others, so honest accountability
is usually in short supply. This can happen because the person with the
addiction tells themselves that they are in fact not responsible for the harms
going on around them, or then may be feeling terrible shame that makes it hard
to own up to what they have done. Either way, those around them, especially
family, may get tired of hearing the person with the addiction justify actions
that clearly have no good justification. Thus, taking accountability is an
important start to the process, but there is clearly more to be done.

Once wrongs have been admitted, it’s time to get busy making
things right. This balancing of the scales is something that may involve
apology, but most often is built on action. This can take many forms. Some
balancing actions are more obvious than others, such as replacing something
that was stolen or broken, or repayment of money that was borrowed or taken. Other
times, it may take more subtle forms, such as volunteering time for an
organization that helps people similar to those who were hurt. For instance, if
someone wants to make amends to all the people they bullied but doesn’t have
any way to find them, can’t remember all their names, or perhaps feels it would
do further harm to contact those people directly, they may volunteer time in a
group that helps kids who have been bullied. An important part of any amends is
to make sure the behaviors that caused harm have all been stopped. For example,
it will not be an effective amends to apologize to someone for saying hurtful
things and then turn around and say similar things shortly after. Instead,
every effort should be made to change the behavior. Some people call this
“making a living amends.” This could involve showing up more for the family
when they have been neglected due to an addiction, or becoming an honest and
kind person as a living amends for all the times of being dishonest and unkind.

It can be tempting for a person to make amends before they
are ready to do so or the person who was harmed is ready to accept those
amends, or conversely it may be tempting to rationalize away the need to make
amends at all in some tricky situations. Thus, it is often advisable to consult
with someone experienced in this area before launching the attempt. For
instance, many people in Twelve Step recovery talk with their sponsor, who has
usually been through the process themselves, before making any significant
amends.

What Makes Amends Important in Recovery?

While there is no research showing that the amends process
is vital to recovery, millions of people have made it a central step. This is
largely because Steps Eight and Nine of the Twelve Steps concern themselves
with making right any wrongs that have been done, and not only those caused by
addiction. The literature of Twelve Step recovery implies that trying to fudge
this part of the process can lead to relapse, but it is not completely clear
about why. What it does say is that making amends is part of a spiritual life,
and Twelve Step recovery makes spirituality the basis of recovery from
addiction.

Other reasons to make amends include the healing of moral
injury and reduction of shame. Moral injury is the trauma a person causes
themselves by doing something against their own values. It has been called a
“wound to the soul.” This often happens around addiction, both for the person
with addiction and those who love them. Self-forgiveness for moral injury is
important for overall healing, and making amends can make self-forgiveness much
easier. It can concurrently help reduce shame, because when we go against our
values, shame is often the result. There is debate about how much shame
reduction prevents relapse, but no researcher suggests that healing shame is a
bad idea.

The Bottom Line

Making amends may not be absolutely necessary in order to
stay out of active addiction, but it can certainly be helpful. It is also one
of the requirements to complete the Twelve Steps, which is the recovery method
that has worked for more people than any other. For these reasons, it is a part
of the recovery process that comes highly recommended, whether you are the
person with the addiction or someone who loves them.

About The Author

P. Casey Arrillaga is the Team Leader for Education at
Windmill Wellness Ranch, and he is the author of books including “Realistic
Hope: The Family Survival Guide for Facing Alcoholism and Other Addictions”.
His books, podcast, videos, etc. can be found at CaseyAuthor.com