Sex and Love Addiction Treatment and Recovery

June 10th, 2024

By P. Casey Arrillaga, LCSW, LCDC

Sex and love addiction [SLA], is a process addiction. If you’re
not familiar with that term, check out our previous blog post, “Process
Addictions.” Like many process addictions, there is controversy and doubt about
sex and love addiction from some people but great hope for others, as they have
found recovery from this life-threatening illness. This post will look at what we
know so far and what can be done.

What We Know So Far

Sex and love addiction [SLA] is one of two process
addictions in which the person is addicted to something that is part of the
normal human experience (food addiction is the other). Sex and love are things
about which almost everyone has strong feelings and usually has strong desires.
Our very biology draws us to engage in romantic and sexual activity. Without
this, our species would not survive.

So how can we tell the difference between addiction or
normal behavior when it comes to sex and love? After all, poets have said that
love is madness and many people have done things sexually that they later
regretted. To answer this question, we need to understand a couple of things.

The first is that for something to be an addiction, it must
involve obsessive and compulsive thoughts and behaviors. It must cause
significant problems in someone’s life. The person suffering from it will often
see an increase in the thoughts and behaviors over time. There will be cravings
and withdrawal if it has been too long since the behavior has been done. There
are often accessory behaviors such as dishonesty and rationalization of the
behaviors. At some point, the person with the addiction will want to stop or at
least moderate their behaviors, and most will find they cannot stick with that
decision without help.

Sex and love addiction qualifies for all of these hallmarks.
It involves obsession and compulsion. It can destroy a person’s life. It can
cause great damage to those who love them or even come into contact with the
addicted person when they are engaged in acting out. The cravings and
withdrawal can be very intense, so much so that some of our clients have said
their withdrawals from sex and love addiction were worse than what they went
through quitting heroin or fentanyl. There can be incredible levels of dishonesty
to the point of living complete double lives. Most people with sex and love
addiction have made countless promises to themselves and others, meaning every
word at the time, and then compulsively gone back to acting out.

The second thing to understand is that sex and love
addiction is arguably not really about sex or love. Unlike what some
professionals and researchers seem think, it’s not about chasing the orgasm
either. It is about obsession, often an obsession for affirmation and escape. Many
who suffer from the condition are obsessed with images, fantasies, or
situations that replay past trauma, especially sexual trauma. The empty promise
of resolution or at least escape never lasts, and soon the internal pressure
starts to build once more, demanding another hit. The craving can be for
another look at or interaction with the person who will “make it all better,”
another pornographic video, another match on a dating app, or another hour lost
in fantasy. The guilt and shame of the acting out turns into fuel for more
cravings. The cycle can seem endless and despair often sets in.

All of this makes sex and love addiction very hard to beat.
Not only is it based in our deepest survival instincts, it is something that
cannot be avoided. Even if the person with the addiction dedicated themselves
to a lifetime of celibacy, they cannot escape the need for human connection, at
least not in any way that leads to a healthy life. Sex and love are part of
countless songs, videos, advertisements, and the subject of many common
conversations. Even if someone managed to shut themselves off from all media
and social contact, the addiction can be found in obsessive fantasy. It has
been said that dealing with sex and love addiction is like getting sober from
heroin while carrying a lifetime supply of the drug in your pocket. To make
things worse, smartphones offer a practically infinite supply of romantic and
sexual contacts, images, songs, stories, etc., making the” drugs in your
pocket” analogy into a stark reality.

While there are some people who still think sex and love
addiction sounds like indulgence in fun and games, those who live with it know
it is incredibly demoralizing, and it can lead to depression, anxiety, physical
disease, and death. The latter may come from jealous lovers, but most often it
is from suicide. There is also a high rate of crossover with chemical
addictions and other mental health disorders, along with all the dangers that
come with them.

Despite all this, sex and love addiction has not been
acknowledged by the American Psychiatric Association, so it is usually not
formally diagnosed as such in the United States. The World Health Organization
started recognizing compulsive sexual behavior a few years ago, but romantic
obsession or love addiction are still not seen as diagnosable disorders.

What Can Be Done?

The lack of professional recognition has not stopped
recovery fellowships from forming, starting in the 1970’s and going strong
today. The most popular are 12 Step programs based on the model pioneered by
Alcoholics Anonymous. These include Sex Addicts Anonymous, Sexaholics
Anonymous, Love Addicts Anonymous, Sexual Recovery Anonymous, and the
all-inclusive Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. SMART Recovery, Celebrate
Recovery, and Recovery Dharma also support recovery around these issues as part
of their general help with recovery from any addiction. All of these have
regular meetings, publish literature, and have other resources such as
websites, podcasts, social media groups, etc.

Help can also be sought through individual therapy. Many
therapists now specialize in working with sex and love addiction, although it
is best to interview a potential therapist ahead of time to get an idea of
their point of view and the treatment they offer for these issues.

Treatment centers are also increasingly offering relief for
sex and love addiction. As detailed in our previous blog post, “Process
Addictions,” at Windmill we support people with many different conditions, and
this certainly includes sex and love addiction. We offer many resources based
in Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous [SLAA], as this is the most inclusive. We
have a weekly SLAA focused process group for clients to explore how these
issues and how they may interact with other addictions and life issues. We have
SLAA literature available in our bookstore and recovery coaching offices. We
have multiple staff members who are experienced in working with SLAA issues. We
provide opportunities for clients to attend online SLAA meetings, and we
connect clients to SLAA sponsors if they want that level of support. Most
importantly, we offer a safe and supportive environment for clients to
recognize, acknowledge, and heal from the unique challenges of sex and love
addiction.

The Bottom Line

Sex and love addiction is a real and dangerous disease, one
that often destroys lives and can be fatal. Professionals and society may not
fully recognize it yet, but there is still help available. This can be found
through recovery fellowships, individual therapy, and even residential treatment
such as at Windmill Wellness Ranch. If you think you or someone you love may
suffer from sex and love addiction, reach out for help today.

About The Author

P. Casey Arrillaga is the Team Leader for Education at
Windmill Wellness Ranch, and he is the author of books including “Realistic
Hope: The Family Survival Guide for Facing Alcoholism and Other Addictions”.