Codependency 101
January 25th, 2023
By P. Casey Arrillaga, LCSW, LCDC
Codependency is a concept that does not
have a clear definition, yet still has utility in helping people. You can’t get
diagnosed with codependency by a mental health professional, but you can find
treatment for it offered in residential settings, intensive workshops, and
outpatient counseling. There are many books about codependency, and the 12 Step
group Codependents Anonymous [CoDA] is dedicated to recovery from it, yet the
definition of codependency can vary among all of these. Some people even argue
that the idea is so broadly applied that it can be harmful. Nonetheless, it is
hard to be a family member of someone with an addiction and not run into the
concept of codependency. It thus merits discussion to see where this idea came
from, some common definitions, if and how it may show up in your life, and what
to do about it if it does.
The idea of codependency caught on and
then gained popularity in the late 20th and early 21st centuries, with interest and research seeming
to peak in the 1980’s and 90’s. During this time, the concept of codependency
captured the popular imagination, fueled in part by such books as the seminal Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.
In the process of this happening, the definition began to expand beyond the
world of chemical dependency and changed into the idea that the traits of
codependency might show up in people who had even moderately dysfunctional
families, regardless of whether there was any chemical dependency present. This
blurring of the definition welcomed more people into recovery from codependency
but also invited backlash, as professionals and laypeople alike started to
question whether this was just a catchall term for anyone with relationship or
connection issues.
Nonetheless, the idea of codependency
still proves helpful to many family members when it is used in its original
meaning: how attitudes, behaviors, and feelings can be shaped by living with
addiction. When viewed in this context, family members benefit from recognizing
the signs of codependency in their own lives and can then work to change these
tendencies.
The biggest hallmark of codependency is
that the codependent person seems to be addicted to or psychologically dependent
on the person with the more obvious addiction to a substance or destructive
behavior. You might think, “Well, that’s not me! I’m not dependent on my kid
(or lover, parent, etc.).” But is this true? If you feel like you can’t be okay
unless they are okay, that is a form of psychological dependence. This is
starkly illustrated if you struggle whenever they struggle, or even struggle
because you think they may struggle in the future. If this describes you, then
you have become psychologically dependent on them to be okay.
As a result, you might go to
extraordinary lengths to try to keep them from struggling. Someone once told
me, “They had their arms wrapped around the bottle, and I had my arms wrapped
around them.” While this looks to some like love, and you may have been raised
to think this is what love is, it is really an attempt to avoid your own
suffering. In fact, to avoid that suffering, you may find yourself doing many
of the same things people with addictions do. Let’s look at a few examples.
Consider how many of the following
behaviors and attitudes you may have in common with your loved one in their
addiction:
- Minimizing
- Rationalizing
- Justifying
- Keeping secrets
- Lying to cover addictive behavior
- Developing a tolerance
- Burying emotions
- Hiding motives
- Outbursts of anger
- Depressive episodes
- Health problems
- Stress
- Shame
- Guilt
- Escapism into video, food, shopping, work,
exercise, etc.
No list could cover every possible
similarity between the person with the addiction and the person who is
codependent with them. Instead, use this as a starting point to see where you
may be showing signs of codependency, and where you can find greater empathy
for your loved one. In doing so, you create opportunities to move out of
judgment and fear, and into solution.
Such solutions may take many forms.
Recovery fellowships and therapy are available around codependency. Among the
recovery fellowships, Codependents Anonymous, also known as CoDA, would be the
most obvious starting place. CoDA is a Twelve Step fellowship that encourages
members to admit powerlessness over others, which is to say that members
acknowledge that, without help, they can’t stop trying to manipulate other
people or relying on them for their well-being. Having admitted this, members
then use the remaining eleven steps to get spiritual support and remove
internal barriers so that they can live lives increasingly free from
codependency. SMART Recovery does not use the term codependency, and some
members vehemently oppose the term as unscientific, but the tools of SMART can
be very helpful, nonetheless. The SMART Recovery Family & Friends workbook
has many science-based exercises and ideas that directly address some of the
issues that fall under the codependency umbrella. Similarly, many people find
they can use the meetings and tools of Al-Anon, Nar-Anon, and Families
Anonymous to work on these same traits. Having the social support of recovery
fellowship meetings is helpful to many family members trying to work on their
codependency. For some, it is absolutely necessary.
Therapy can also be helpful with
codependency attitudes and behaviors. While not all therapists will think of or
address these issues under the term “codependency,” any therapist should be
able to recognize that codependent behaviors and attitudes are unhealthy. Avoid
any therapist who tells you to “just stop” for the same reasons you would avoid
a professional who gave the same advice about a chemical addiction.
Instead, seek the help of someone who understands the nature of compulsive
behavior and can help address it. If you find your codependency traits and
behaviors are severely impacting your life, you may consider seeking
residential treatment. This is far more rare than drug addiction treatment and
it may be difficult to get insurance to cover it, but it is available.
About The Author
P. Casey Arrillaga is the Team Leader for Education at
Windmill Wellness Ranch, and he is the author of books including “Realistic
Hope: The Family Survival Guide for Facing Alcoholism and Other Addictions”.
His books, podcast, videos, etc. can be found at CaseyAuthor.com
